Apr 12, 2015, Updated Feb 26, 2023 Although not as bad as that time I tried a spray tan. Because Ross’s experience was the only reference I had, I went in very nervous, and completely obsessed with turning at the right time. So terribly fixated on that one point was I, that I missed the instruction to stand at the back of the booth. You know, where they have two unmistakeable footprints painted on so that only a complete idiot could possibly misunderstand where you should plant your feet. So when the spray started, I was positioned directly in front of the nozzles – which means that instead of receiving a soothing, gentle, diffused mist, the solution hit me like lasers slashing all over my body. It hurt! So I screamed! Then it got in my mouth! So I panicked and opened my eyes! Then it got in my eyes! And then it was full on stumbling, shrieking, wall-banging, naked chaos. I was like a cat trapped in a cardboard box. When the spray finally ended, I emerged from the booth of hell panting, eyes watering, my body criss-crossed with haphazard lines of tanner. I tried to rub it in, but my eyes were stinging and blurry, and I was shaking from the trauma of the experience. When the tan developed, I was pasty white with giant orange streaks, blobs, lines and spots. People literally slowed their cars to laugh at me on the street. Anyway, I got brave and decided to have a go at the safer-than-sun faux-glow in the safety and comfort of my own home. And as I type this with my carrot-hued fingertips, I thought a mustard-coloured recipe was very fitting for today. It’s a really quick and easy weeknight meal that I love. I use the same sauce on baked ham or pork tenderloins. Just equal parts mustard and honey (which you can substitute with maple syrup or brown sugar) and onions. So simple and yummy! If you like comfort food pork recipes like this, try my ultimate meatloaf recipe, pressure cooker ham, or this tasty-looking pork paprikash.
